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Saturday, 26 November 2016

When I Betrayed Myself

Marilyn Monroe once said “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

To the man who gave me eyes,

I still remember everything right from the first day of our meeting, that dreamy face, alluring smile, irresistible eyes and stubborn attitude were ample to give me adrenaline rush. You were poisonously potent. Damn! how could have I ignored you? 

Sadly, It’s over now! I still can't believe it's real! The pain is so continuous and prolonged.  You chose another girl over me and you both are happy together, I know it all and it's killing me from inside. I often check her account and make me feel miserable. Some days I feel vindictive, while other days I care for you too much. 

It’s been quite a time now. I doesn't hurt much, I don't really weep anymore.  You've done the really hard work in making me strong, bold and every good thing that I am now, I don't want to disappoint you.  (See I still care). I haven't deleted our pictures, selfies and romantic chats, I often read them when I feel low.  I see your pictures and smile.   (Your face still gives me strength).

I have lost my favorite scarf, my phone isn't working right, I have gained weight again, but you know what really troubles me? To stop my heart from reaching you! 

It wasn’t that astonishing for me, I was warned about all the consequences of loving you. I should have known that you could make me fall for you, but you would never care to fall for me. I knew it would end someday, because I was able to see me losing my sense of logic and rationality for you. I knew I let me down the day I started singing praises about you and enjoyed shrinking me down. I don't blame you, because you decided to choose me when I was invisible to the rest of the world. You pulled me closer and lead me to your magical mystery life. Perhaps I was craving for you and your gentle touch to guide me to the utopian world. It gives me immense satisfaction that we both were from different worlds, but we consolidated and made a unique new world. A world just for two of us. 

I never asked you to change the way you dress, or to read any particular book for me, or to cancel all your plans and be with me, maybe you wanted that; maybe you wanted someone who could turn you a better person. I thought you were perfect; maybe I was blinded by love.

 I hope this girl is keeping you happy. I wish she could ignore all your flaws like I did for several years. I hope she's not irritating you like I did. I hope she could look into your eyes and tell that you're lying.

You must be very proud of me. I am a strong girl, like you wanted me to become.  I am happy that we could spend so many years together; I honestly never thought it was possible. The smiles, drinks, food, fun, movies, adventure we shared together will always be safe with me in the deepest part of my heart.  I would never let anyone take or replace them. Those are just OURS.

I just want you to be happy and handsome forever and if we meet again after ages, I want you to smile at me, come running towards me and hug me tight. I want you to always remember all the beautiful times we've spent together in the summer mornings, white pasta and hot coffees we had in winter evening, all the talks we did on phone calls, the unrealistic plans we made about our hopeless future.

I MISS US, but we cannot be together anymore. I know we could have done wonders if we were together, but honestly, I don't have that courage anymore. I can’t walk back and forth on the same road, hoping that someday you would join, because I know you won’t. Yes! I have lost you!
I am the girl who doesn’t need you anymore, but I will always keep my doors open for you. We will definitely meet after this life. I promise to be more fearless next time so that I could take furthermore risks. 
I have let myself down, blindfolded my eyes and betrayed my heart for you once, I can do it again. I still feel you deserve it all. I am still ready to choose you and betray myself once again. 


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